You join us as we venture deep into one of the most challenging environments in the wild and beautiful Southern Uplands - the big Tesco in Galashiels.
It’s at this time of year that a number of species emerge into the open, where we can study them at our leisure having nipped in to pick up some nuts.
The “failed to secure an Ocado delivery slot” middle-class male
The showiest examples of this species are easy to spot, sporting bright red leg plumage.
They strut purposefully, clutching a note written in the hand of the female of the species.
Clearly unfamiliar with this environment, they are prone to abandon their trolleys with no regard to anyone else as they dart forward to snatch the most sought after foodstuffs from under the noses of their rivals.
Sometimes the young of the species can be spotted accompanying the parent: listen out for their peculiar calls of “we don’t need eggs dad, the hens are still laying” and “do you think we need a Speyside or shall we just stick with the Islay?” Most of these calls appear to be an apparent attempt to impress other males of the species.
Males may also be found making alarm calls to alert the female through the medium of the mobile telephone: you may notice that he abandons any attempt to remain in cover as his panicky call rings out at high volume: “Yah, Chlamydia? They’ve run out of chestnuts, they’ve run out of chestnuts!”
The gregarious couples
A notorious pest species, these creatures are seemingly oblivious to the presence of other species and the etiquette of this environment.
Although present throughout the year, these creatures are most noticeable in the days immediately before Christmas when their elaborate and showy demonstrations of social interaction are most visible.
Most frequently sporting a Christmas jumper-themed plumage and sometimes an unironic Santa hat, they form a square with their shopping trolleys in the middle of the narrowest aisles and chirp excitedly at each other, relating banal anecdotes possibly intended to render comatose those attempting to make their way through the narrow gaps left between themselves and the shelves.
The cantankerous bastard
Can often be heard approaching before coming into sight: listen for a regular clinking sound and a low grumbling sound. Can be distinguished by his unmistakable call of “Get out of the feckin way, have you feckers never been in a supermarket before?”
